First Half Term Report, 2012
(by J Christensen)
“Yes and there it
is… that towering, last ball six makes it four from four for the Greasby
Roaders, as Nick Birtwistle raises his bat to acknowledge yet another half ton. Big wickets to take or huge totals to chase,
it really seems to make no odds to the men in red, who are brushing aside all
opposition in their wake, with a casual authority that borders on the arrogant….”
In a parallel
universe, I’m sure the above scenario is perfectly true, but in the one we
actually inhabit, Nick ‘that selfish
bastard’ Birtwistle had wiped himself out in a pre-season skiing accident, while
the remaining Roaders have just managed to extend their current losing streak
to five (or, if you want to be a little more charitable and just count the 2012
games, four.)
Game One: The Ground Hog Day- 8th May 2012.
After several
washed out fixtures, fate finally decreed that our season opener would be against
the mighty Bromborough Penguins; the same team we’d narrowly lost to in last
year’s Indian Summer League Grand Final. Missing regular Roaders were James C
(buried under a metaphorical mountain of GCSE correction) and, of course, Nick
B (for having fallen off an actual mountain, whilst indulging in that selfish
and ultimately reckless past time of his- skiing).
If we’re talking
about spooky parallel universe stuff, then this match surely had the makings of
‘a mirror darkly’ about it. You see, the constant at work was the Bromborough
Penguins. Not only were they the last team we’d played in 2011, but they were
also the team we played on debut and now the first team we were playing in
2012! Scary coincidence or what?
Even more scary,
well tragic, was the result. When comparing the respective season openers, a
positive was that we restricted them to 20 fewer runs, but then they restricted
us to 71 fewer runs, inflicting a morale crushing 107 run defeat in the
process. Phil Green was our only batsman to reach double figures, top scoring
with 15, while Monty picked up two wickets with good, economical support from
Rob O and Hanksy. Game one also saw the debut of new Roader, Joel Hockley, who
scored a gritty seven from 28 deliveries in difficult, last man standing
circumstances. (Don’t worry mate, the only way is up from here!!!)
Game Two: The Transit of the SCC- 17th May
2012.
Okay, so a fairly
inglorious start to the season, but surely a better test of where we were would
come against our old friends from the Shed; the SCC- a mid table team of
comparable abilities and a team we always enjoy playing, due to the great
spirit of friendly rivalry and comradeship that exists between us.
But what’s this?
Like trying to watch the transit of Venus across the surface of the Sun with
the naked eye, we beheld the SCC boys, 2012 edition, pulsating onto the field,
emitting several hues of glaring solar yellow as they came. At the less intense
range of the solar ejection you had the pale yellow of their over washed, tatty
tops from last year, while at the more intense ranges of the spectrum, were
their solar flares (as in trousers this time!); a deep, brilliant yellow of
almost blinding brightness. (If I close my eyes, I can still see them etched
across my retinas!!!!! Where’s a good optician when you need him? That’s right,
the selfish bastard has probably had a skiing accident or something!!!!)
All jokes aside,
you have to hand it to Mark Jones and his boys, who played with an all round
professionalism we were sadly lacking. It seems that they had started the
season where they’d left off in 2011, determined to do much better, while we
were floundering and pretty much starting over again. Stretching the
astronomical analogy still further, if Venus is the Earth’s ‘evil twin,’ then
our ‘evil’ twin, the SCC, had just run several orbits around us. Not that it
was all bad news of course. We actually bowled very well, restricting the SCC
to 127/ 3 after their allotted 20 overs, and thus set the stage for what should
have been a fairly comfortable run chase. Once again, however, our batting
proved brittle with only skipper Stephen Willett (39) and Peter Clowes (27)
making it into double figures. In the end, we were bowled out for a mere 72
runs after 18 overs, handing the Solar Flares a comfortable 55 run victory. A
telling statistic is that all of our batsmen, bar one, were caught out playing
rash shots. (Mark, if you’re reading this, I think you should take my new name
suggestion seriously- The Solar Flares. Has a nice ring, doesn’t it? You could even
adopt the Imperial Japanese Man-of-War flag as your emblem and shout Bonzai at
your opposition before each match! No seriously, well done! Great victory, but it’s still 3-2 our
favour!!!)
On a brighter note
(non-solar of course!!!), this game saw the T20 debut of one Rob Rennison, a
club cricketer who’d played indoor cricket as a Roader in the off season. Known
as a fluent stroke maker and handy change bowler, Rob has become renowned for
his quick wit and love of sledging as much as anything else. (Example: In a
quirk of Eight4sport scheduling, Greasby Roaders found themselves playing the
same team twice in the same evening, with only a brief interval between the two
matches. As Rob escorted the opposition openers onto the pitch for a second
time, he was heard to say to one of them, “You should have seen the last bunch
of blokes we played. F*%k they were ugly!” The opener returned Rob’s gaze,
blinking uncomprehendingly for a moment, before nodding politely and moving on.
One wonders when the penny dropped- presumably when he was batting… Great
stuff!) Rob bowled well on his T20 debut, picking up a wicket, but was sadly
caught out for a duck when batting. (The other two wickets went one apiece to
Stephen and Peter.)
As a footnote, it’s
interesting to see that the SCC have followed our lead and have started their
own team blog, http://wearetheshed.blogspot.co.uk. Well
done lads and best of luck with it- should prove fascinating to read parallel
accounts of the matches we play against each other.
And as a second
footnote, it was great to see a certain Mr Birtwistle at the ground, watching
proceedings eagerly and even having a bit of a practice hit with the bat.
Speedy recovery Nick- it’ll be magic to see you wearing a red shirt, willow in
hand, out in the middle again….
Speaking of the
illustrious red shirt, what are we to do about our team uniform? Those new
yellow trousers of the SCC certainly ignited (along with any dry grass within a
five mile radius) some serious discussion amongst the Roaders in the batting
‘hutch…’
“So whad-a-ya reckon then? Should we go
down the same road and opt for red trousers?”
“Yeah probably…, think we get a bonus
point for matching pants these days…”
[As another wicket falls] “We need all the
bloody points we can get, mate!”
“Doesn’t have to be matching the shirts
though does it? Just each others pants….”
“Well bugger that for a joke if they have
to be red… just doesn’t do a thing for my complexion….”
“Yeah, it’ll clash terribly with my pink
shaft as well…. Bat grip that is! Bat grip!!!”.
“Why don’t we get a consultant in then?
Maybe Lawrence Llweylen-Bowen….”
“Fab idea darling! Just love his work….”
Well, perhaps the
conversation wasn’t quite as gay as that, but thankfully our team shirts do
have a flash of navy blue in them, which might afford some level of
flexibility. So Roaders and interested bystanders alike, let’s put it to the
vote….
Option A: Red LMS
shirt (well obviously); white cricket trousers; dark blue caps. This is pretty much
what we wear at the moment and is what our team kit has naturally evolved into.
Red, white and blue- both tasteful and, in this year of the Queen’s Diamond
Jubilee, patriotically appropriate. Gentleman, the Queen! Long may she reign! (Err Her Majesty that is; not Llewelyn-Bowen!)
Option B: Red LMS
shirt; red LMS trousers; red cap. (And while we’re at it, why not have our
faces painted red before each match as well!) I don’t think so….
Option C: Red LMS
shirt; red LMS pants; blue cap. Might be okay, with the blue flash in the
shirts balancing out the two different colours of the cap and pants. Bloody
hell, definitely morphing into Llewelyn-Bowen here….
Option D: Red LMS
shirt; blue pants; red caps- a variation of ‘C’ really…
Option E: Red LMS
shirt; blue pants; blue caps- for those who subscribe to the ‘less red the
better’ philosophy.
Speaking
of sartorial elegance, which we weren’t, I’ve just thought of a brilliant team
logo- and just think of how much that would freak out our friends from the SCC!
We could preface our next game against them with, “Yeah, they’re awarding an
extra 50 bonus points for team logos these days and the other team
automatically forfeits if they haven’t got one…. “. That would really mess with
their heads! So here’s the logo then- ¾ view of Viking long boat (inspired by
our Viking name- Greasby), bats instead of oars (well, we are a cricket club
after all and not actual Vikings!!!) and wheels fore and aft (that’s the
Roaders bit, just in case you’ve been lobotomized and haven’t guessed.) Now, I
just need to find someone with a touch of artistic talent and Bob’s your
uncle…. Oh Lawrence! Lawrence!!!!
Game Three: The Bubble Bath- 21st May 2012.
Up until now, the
Greasby Roaders and Double Bubble had never met. True, both teams had made
their LMS debuts in 2011, but for some inexplicable reason this would be our
first clash; a clash that would turn out to be our closest fought match of the
season thus far.
On paper, The
Bubbles, despite their rather ludicrous name, certainly look formidable. They
boast a bowler called John Warrington who’s ranked number one in the region,
number three in the country and number 34 in the world! Impressive stuff to be
sure! Overall, though, the teams seem fairly well matched in most departments.
They’re ranked 8th in the region, compared to our 11th;
143rd in the country, compared to our 173rd; 524th
in the world, compared to our 653rd; 1,000,789th in the
Universe, compared to our 1,500,453rd … (Yeah,
okay, let’s not get too carried away with that one….) And don’t forget, we too
can boast some serious fire power in the pace bowling stakes with big man Rob
O’Keefe, who’s currently ranked number 9 in the region and has a sub-18 bowling
average….
Ultimately though, statistics
are just that; statistics. In the final analysis (err… that is the type not
requiring numbers or statistics of course), it’s just two teams of blokes
who’ve never met before, and why, indeed, shouldn’t it be here that we break
our 2012 hoodoo?
Double Bubble bat
first and amass 144/ 3. Once again, not a bad bowling performance with the pick
of our bowlers being Steve Willett, snaring an impressive 2/ 16 from his four
overs, and the aforementioned big man, Rob O’Keefe, chiming in with 1/ 16. It’s
certainly a gettable run chase, but with our recent brittle performances with
the bat, would it prove to be a bridge too far?
After a brief
discussion, Rob Rennison and Graham Wild are sent in to open the run chase for
the Roaders. Several overs elapse, runs are scored and (shock, horror) there is
no big collapse! Gentlemen, do we dare to dream? Are we in with a chance this
time? And now it’s Rob Rennison who shows his class by lofting a six over the
infield and, moments later, another one lands over the ropes. Things are going
swimmingly and then, d’oh, Rob chances his arm one too many times, allowing one
to slip through the gate and he’s bowled for 16. Normally, at this stage, we’d
cue the now familiar Greasby Roaders batting collapse, but once again it doesn’t
materialise. There’s no panic in the ranks and, in fact, almost all of our
batsmen reach double figures, with particularly strong contributions from
Stephen (41), Monty (36*) and Graham (23).
In the end, we fall
short of the target by a mere 15 runs. We’re disappointed, of course, but
pleased that we’ve, at last, put in a competitive performance. So far, this
season, consistency has been our biggest bug bear. Tonight we batted almost as
well as we bowled. Let’s hope that the drought breaker is not too far away….
Game Four: Anyone for Hockey? 29th May 2012.
In Season 2011, it
took us five, hard fought matches to record our first victory. The team we beat
on that red letter day was an outfit called The Real Neston; a bunch of hockey
players, can you believe, who play cricket as a means to keep fit in their off
season. Strangely enough, that encounter has been the only time the teams have
met until today. Was history about to repeat itself? Would our 2012 drought be
broken in one game less, but against the very same team?
And the short
answer is…… no.
The Real Neston
batted first and got off to an absolute flyer, aided by a fast outfield and an
experiment which saw our lesser accomplished bowlers open the attack. At some
point, everyone who bowled took some stick and The Real Neston ended up posting
an imposing 191/ 4. (In fact, it was the most number of runs we’d conceded in a
match since the Bromborough Penguins hammered us to the tune of 194/ 2, way
back in our 2011 debut match.) Wicket takers were Rob Rennison (2/ 29 off three
overs), Steve Willett (1/ 29 off four overs), and Mark Montgomery (1/ 31 off
three overs).
Our turn at bat and 192 was always going to be a big ask. To our credit,
though, we posted our highest score of the season trying to chase it down (147/
6). In the end, it wasn’t to be, but at least we’re beginning to click as a
batting outfit with notable contributions from Steve Willett (53*), Rob
Rennison (33), James Christensen (23), Charles Pickering (18) and Rob O’Keefe
(14*). There were also quite a few laughs along the way with a rather loud and
ambitious appeal for lbw from The Real Neston keeper, the sound of ball on
willow still resonating in everyone’s ears, who then shrugged his shoulders and
admitted, “Look, I don’t even know the rules….”
Roader of the match
award would have to be a toss up between Rob Rennison and Steve Willett, who
were both amongst the runs and wickets.
Well boys, another
loss, but there are many encouraging signs as well. If we keep to the same
script as last year, then we should be celebrating our first victory of the
season after our next game. If not, we could always try our hand at hockey…
